I keep trying to write this but the delete button won’t be quiet. I’m not sure where I am at. There is a battle between habit (OHNOWHATIF) and the part of me that has the capacity for logic, reason and faith. In actual practice, the hysteria is winning. I’m anxious as hell and I feel sick all the time. Yesterday I thought I was having a heart attack.
But still there in the background sits Faith. Quietly gaining – not strength but something. It’s like a parent who waits for the child to settle itself. The parent is not stronger, exactly, than the child but it knows more and doesn’t need to participate in
the fits. Faith pats me on the back and says there there now. Sometimes I let it and sometimes I push it away. But it still loves me and will be there when I am done with my tantrum.
I’m not done yet.
I’ve never been good with the not knowing. I could totally have faith if I knew exactly for sure how things would turn out. And that makes Faith chuckle. Faith is patient with my lack of understanding. I wish Faith would get riled up and smack me around a little. Faith needs
to stop letting me be in charge.
My son is a ten year old hockey goaltender. Difficult job. It takes a lot of character to be the last line of defence and sometimes it’s hard. I told him recently that his confidence in himself has to be there regardless of how well he does in net. I told him that real self confidence is the belief you have in yourself when things aren’t easy. It’s easy to think you’re awesome when everything goes right. That’s not self confidence. That’s obvious.
I knew I was right when I told him this. I also knew I’d
never applied this to my own life. I’d never even thought of it before then.