Internet, hello. Do you remember me? It doesn’t matter if you don’t. This used to be my website, then I abandoned it, came back, left, came back, left.
It’s been quite the flip flip flim flam bit of nonsense.
So now I am here and I’ve got a bit of a reason, I think. I need to talk about some things and as there isn’t anyone out there watching, I’m gonna talk here. Internet, you can carry on as you were.
I am stressed, to sum it up swiftly. I always hate the whole leading up explaining what’s got me here thing so there it is. Stressed. I’ll tell you it’s all about money and the fear of not having same. I feel like I can’t breath, I don’t want to eat, I am confused and anxious. I can’t sleep and I am worried every second of every day. It is difficult, you may assume, to be completely normal when you feel these things.
Also, someone put on a celtic music station and left the room. I love celtic music, mind you, but right now it’s like a pack of kittens being denied dinner. Shut it off, shut the kittens up.
I’ll do it. And at the same time I will pour myself some wine.
Which makes me worry. We are almost out of the wine and there is not money to waste on things like wine when there are children who, bless them, keep growing and need pants. Pants, of all things. Not wine, pants. I’m not sure if this is fair.
There is either a lot or a little bit of uncertainty in our lives right now. We should know which but we don’t and that’s kind of totally the point. We do not know. Therein lies the main bit of uncertainty. We are uncertain about how much uncertainty there is or is not. Or might be. Some day. Today there is, at minimum, some uncertainty. Feels like rather a lot from where I sit.
I decided I would have faith things would be fine. During other times of stress I worried and fretted and lost my everloving senses. I made myself sick, I lost sleep. I did not have faith and when everything turned out fine I thought oh you big silly girl, imagine the woe you could have saved yourself if only you’d had faith.
AND THE THING IS experience dictates that I have every reason to believe and have faith that everything will be fine. Only, my brain tells myself, this time is different. And that is why you must worry. This time is different from another time and you can only fix it by the sleep losing and no food eating.
I’ve decided to do this because when things do turn out I want a reference for the future. I want to show myself in actual fact that IF I’D HAD FAITH I would have felt so much better than the way I feel now.
I feel really really terrible.
And I have a little bit of faith. It’s back there hiding behind the habit of terror. It’s sitting there on a little chair with a nice cap in its hands on its lap, waiting quietly. So well behaved, is Faith. So gentle and kind. Meanwhile, Anxiety is this loud mouthed asshole who takes over everything and acts like a complete knowitall. I sometimes wish Faith would get up from that chair and take over. It would be out of character but I wish Faith would murder Anxiety in the night. That would be best for everyone.
Here’s the way my brain works right now: blah blah blah I’m making sense. Stop. Oh sigh, I’m tired. Shut up about all that it’s nonsense. I want to cry.
I want to cry. And then I just get sick of wanting to cry. And sometimes I actually feel not too bad. I love those times. They’re great.