The past several months have been something like torture. The near constant press coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith melodrama led me to consider an Elvis Presley approach to television management until I finally realized that if I screamed loud enough Dan would turn it off out of just wanting me to stop. And despite my refusing to intentionally soak up anything ANS related I have managed to not only know exactly what is going on but also to have developed opinions on the matter.

I knew Birkhead was the babydaddy. Much as Dan somehow knew Clinton was lying. We have a sense of these things, Dan and I.

Throughout this ridiculous post death process I have refused to clutter my mind with up to the minute coverage of absolutely jack squat, but I confess that my interest perked a little when Dan gave me the news this morning. Larry Birkhead seemed to me the most genuine person in all of this. The lawyer husband (whatever his name is, I’ve no need of knowing) creeps me out and I found myself thinking he must have had something to do with it all in some sinister way. Birkhead, on the other hand, came across as a normal guy who honestly believed the child was his. Turns out, he knew what he was talking about and good for him not letting it go. Good for Dannielynn to because maybe with him she’ll have a chance at normal. Life with the lawyer husband who did not take issue with a constantly drugged up pastic wife could not have been so. Plus how long before she would be added to the list of people within his circle who turned up dead from drug overdose?

Now let’s have no more talk of it. Do you hear me, Entertainment Tonight? No more talk of it.