honesty*rain

Went to my brother’s wedding social last night. For those not from here, a social is a fundraising event. In this case a fundraising event for a wedding. My brother’s wedding. He’s getting married! Awww! Socials are usually held 8 or so months before the actual wedding and people come who will not actually be invited to the actual wedding. In fact, people who do not even know the bride and groom come because socials are a big house party. But not at someone’s house and you have to pay to get in.

So! There are always prizes at socials. You buy little tickets and put them in the prizes you hope to win (this is not a complicated concept and yet I feel the need to explain it to you as though you were challenged in some mental way). There are a bunch of different prize packs (the ’summer is coming’ pack with bbq utensils, mosquitoe coils, deck lights etc, the ‘just for mom’ pack with bunch of stuff a mom would like etc). Some of these items are purchased by the bride and groom but many are donated. So there are like 20 of those prize packs and then a couple of grand prizes. My brother and his fiance had a 37 inch lcd tv and an xbox elite.

My uncle won the tv.

My sister in law won two prize packs (one with a food sealer that I so wanted).

My sister (who is recently divorced) won a bunch of tools. She was all I wanted something girly and we were all then why did you put a ticket in there dumbass?

I won a (wait for it) spa pack! I got soap. A whole lotta fruity soaps, Maggie. But that’s not all. Oh no, not all at all! Beyond the twenty variety of soaps I also got lotions and potions, two picture frames, 8 bath puffs (seriously, EIGHT), 3 free tanning sessions, a free cut and style at a high end salon and a (hello!) ONE HOUR MAFREAKINSSAGE! Could there be anything lovlier in the entire world???

Madison and I sat here this morning smelling the soaps the way girls like to do and I have to say all was right in the world. The boys are pretending to care but really? They don’t. Which is why I had a girl. I wanted someone to enjoy my fruity soaps with. Also, when I’m trying on clothes I can ask her which shoes I should wear.

Now later when you’re just sitting there and you smell something nice, well that’s just me - being lovely.

wish you were there.

I’ve been wanting to chronicle the experience of raising a boy - the great, the less great and the hey! stop don’t jump off of that, are you daft! But every time I sit down to do so I find it difficult to get my thoughts in order.

I obviously had no idea what it would be like to have a boy. I wanted a girl for all of the usual reasons but was as much overjoyed when Jacob was born as if he had been a girl. In fact, I was admittedly excited to be mother to a boy. I knew my bond with him would be eternal and that he would teach me things a girl could not.

There have been challenges with Jacob and I”m not sure all of them have been because of his being male. He’s a lot like me, you see, and while I was a good child I was a constant source of dismay for my mother. This because I am relentless and not a little opinionated. I always tell people that Jacob is me, the jacked up version. He’s got the boy thing on top of what would already have been a rather strong willed personality. He’s got the desire to bash things about and jump on people when they are not expecting it. I wasn’t so much with the physical. I was more with the talkytalkytalk. I never understood why my mother found me so tedious.

I know now.

I really do want to write about my journey through mothering a boy but admit that I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to journal it so much as I want to chronicle it. I want to write about it and apply whatever wisdom I can glean from taking the time to think about it. I feel honored to be Jacob’s mother and I think in the past few years I’ve gotten so busy with the business of parenting that I’ve forgotten to really notice what I am doing. Jacob is an awesome kid who I know will be an awesome grown up person. I want to really put thought into how I’m raising him because some day he will be in a position to consider his childhood and I would like for him to think that I was present and thoughtful about being his mom.

1st good, I did it today! I did not shout at my children. Not even one single time. Today was a shout free day! This will seem all the more impressive when you get to the bad….

2nd good, my niece (11 years old) was in Seussical the Musical at her school tonight. She played the mayor’s wife and had the best costume in the entire show! She is such a performer (loves it) and I was so proud of her! We went to the show despite the bad which I will tell you about now-

the bad, I have the world’s most gigantic, bubbly, yucky cold sore. On my lip. Which is on my face. Which is on the front of me in plain sight for everyone to see. I have not had a cold sore in probably 6 years. Maybe 10. They are so awful, I cannot tell you and I am generally given to keeping myself to myself when I’ve got ‘em. I do not go out unless required to by law and when does law require me to leave my home? Never. I skip school, work, parties, and all public merry-making etcetera when I have a cold sore and feel no guilt whatsoever. I do not care to be seen and I am in no mood for people or their various personalities. I get a kind of flu-like pms thing going on when I have a cold sore. Illin’ and mad. And hideous! Best to stay out of my way. Something Madison is not terribly good at.

AND YET I DID NOT YELL AT HER!

AND YET I WENT OUT INTO PUBLIC TO SEE THE PLAY!

(applause)

I feel perfectly just in saying that I am better than you today. I have risen above. I am superior and if there’s to be medals awarded I get the first and shiniest one. Mine! Mine! Mine!

Now leave me lovely comments or I’ll post a picture of my cold sore and your eyes will burn up and die. BWA HA HA.

Day one of the shoutfree project was going so well! I managed to go all day without shouting at my children despite the fact that Jacob got in trouble at school (turns out for a not major infraction) and that Madison was wild with desire to drive me over the edge. Not to mention that if I were what I feel I would be a zombie and therefore everyone would have been eaten and the matter would have been closed.

And so just an hour before her bed time she did pester me that tiny bit more than I could handle and without thinking I barked at her in a not quiet voice. Was it a shout? Not technically. But I cannot count this as a successful day in the shoutfree project.

Tomorrow is another day. I can and will do this. They will not get the better of me. I will not be given to self indulgent anger just because they are insane.

Jacob’s hockey wind-up was today. We went to a local hotel with a waterslide/pool and then had pizza and cake. One of the coaches got misty-eyed talking to the kids about their year and that right there is why we had the season we did. We couldn’t have been luckier with the coaching staff we’ve had. It was a great introduction to the sport for all the kids.

A few of the siblings came to the wind-up as well, Madison among them. Happily, the two girls she always plays with (sisters of other boys on the team) were also there and they had their own great time. These girls are slightly younger than Madison but close enough for it not to matter.

The funny thing is, I look at these other two gitls and think, oh they’re so little!. I see them as the four year old girls that they are and I can’t imagine getting mad at them for not getting into the truck fast enough on a cold day or for needing a new pair of socks because they went out on the deck in the rain without any shoes on. Obviously, I’d help them figure things out, show them the way and teach them rather than shouting at them.

And yet, I am in near consant annoyance with my own four year old.

It’s ridiculous. I know what she’s capable of and what she deserves but I have to confess that the constancy of her four year oldness drains me and often leaves me far less patient than I mean to be. I forget that she is in fact super little and deserves a little more leeway than someone who is, say, forty-five. I feel a little off track, patience-wise. I could afford to remember that my children are children and not grown up persons who should know better.

I’ve been meaning to start a new personal project called the shoutfree project. I’ve noticed that in recent months I’ve really let life’s stresses get to me and I’ve been pretty damned shouty. I want this to stop. It’s lame to think that I can take my mood and frustration out on my kids (or anyone else) just to get the satisfaction of the explosion. It’s selfishness of the most dangerous kind: I’m changing who my children are with my raised voice and pissiness. Not okay with me.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a war zone. It’s just been a little louder than I want it to be and that’s changing today. I looked at Maddie’s little friends and saw eensy weensy little girls who should not be yelled at and of course, neither should the eensy weensy little girl I love most in the world. So today I begin the shoutfree project. If anyone wants to join me, please do and post in the comments (of whatever post is up) to let me know how it’s going. I will be putting a shoutfree day counter in my sidebar to keep track of the days I can go without shouting at the people I love in anger.

Sadly, today won’t be counted.

i am eternally sorry for leaving this place stranded with whatever that last post was! I mean, I know what it was but still! Mercy! Could I not follow up with SOMETHING a little less waa waa waa? Geez!

Everything is fine, by the way. I am fine. The drama is subsiding. The people who are ass are improving. The situation of assiness is getting better by degrees.

Now I haven’t got anything more because my natterbug is beside me nattering and we have to get ready for dance class! Dance class, Mommy! I have to get dressed! Wheeeeeeeee!

She’s a little bunny, she is. I loves her.

Back soon. Check out my daily photo which is actually being updated daily! What? Hazzah! Also, I am on twitter which I swear was created for moms to get a blogging fix without actually having the time to blog because of the child related emergencies they face every ten seconds(I have dance class! In two hours! Hurry!).

Have a nice day, you who are not ass.