Jacob’s hockey wind-up was today. We went to a local hotel with a waterslide/pool and then had pizza and cake. One of the coaches got misty-eyed talking to the kids about their year and that right there is why we had the season we did. We couldn’t have been luckier with the coaching staff we’ve had. It was a great introduction to the sport for all the kids.

A few of the siblings came to the wind-up as well, Madison among them. Happily, the two girls she always plays with (sisters of other boys on the team) were also there and they had their own great time. These girls are slightly younger than Madison but close enough for it not to matter.

The funny thing is, I look at these other two gitls and think, oh they’re so little!. I see them as the four year old girls that they are and I can’t imagine getting mad at them for not getting into the truck fast enough on a cold day or for needing a new pair of socks because they went out on the deck in the rain without any shoes on. Obviously, I’d help them figure things out, show them the way and teach them rather than shouting at them.

And yet, I am in near consant annoyance with my own four year old.

It’s ridiculous. I know what she’s capable of and what she deserves but I have to confess that the constancy of her four year oldness drains me and often leaves me far less patient than I mean to be. I forget that she is in fact super little and deserves a little more leeway than someone who is, say, forty-five. I feel a little off track, patience-wise. I could afford to remember that my children are children and not grown up persons who should know better.

I’ve been meaning to start a new personal project called the shoutfree project. I’ve noticed that in recent months I’ve really let life’s stresses get to me and I’ve been pretty damned shouty. I want this to stop. It’s lame to think that I can take my mood and frustration out on my kids (or anyone else) just to get the satisfaction of the explosion. It’s selfishness of the most dangerous kind: I’m changing who my children are with my raised voice and pissiness. Not okay with me.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a war zone. It’s just been a little louder than I want it to be and that’s changing today. I looked at Maddie’s little friends and saw eensy weensy little girls who should not be yelled at and of course, neither should the eensy weensy little girl I love most in the world. So today I begin the shoutfree project. If anyone wants to join me, please do and post in the comments (of whatever post is up) to let me know how it’s going. I will be putting a shoutfree day counter in my sidebar to keep track of the days I can go without shouting at the people I love in anger.

Sadly, today won’t be counted.