i’m a breath holder. like, most of the time, i don’t breath out. so what i do, then, is i breath in and hold my breath, not letting it out. i breath in, you see, but then not so much with the out. it’s like living in a constant state of being on the edge of my seat. waiting for the next thing to happen. and then the next thing after that. and after that. until, oh, i’ve been holding my breath for fifteen years, duh!

the movie waiting to exhale describes my very existence.

about ten years ago i recognized this breath holding inclination and did away with it. i was all, hey, wait, breathing out is seems pretty essential, no? and yes, it turns out, was the answer i came up with. and once i had this epiphany i set about with the practice of complete breathing. both the in AND the out.

oh but ho! that’s not easy! after so much of the one way breathing the path going the other way was rock covered and virtually impassable. every breath i asked to vacate my lungs led to anxiety! and strife! and anxiety! and oh my god the anxiety! kick me in the shins! i long for the distraction!

the thing about breathing out is this: that’s when your body relaxes.  try it. breath in and then when you breath out notice how your muscles loosen up. if you let them. if you don’t exhale your muscles remain at the ready! fight or flight! mostly fight! grr! 

so finally i got the whole business sorted, those ten years ago or whatever and was going on rather nicely when BOMB! children. which meant sleep deprivation, the drive for perfection and a lot of fucking laundry!

breathing, you say? what’s that now?

because i forgot! all about it! i went from perfectly nice breathing both directions to holy crap , what’s all this, help! tension! EDGE OF MY SEAT!

i’d like to tell you that relearning that which i already relearned once would be easier the third time around. har har, no. it’s still hell on skates to let all of the air out of my lungs because my lungs just don’t understand what i’m doing. more to the point, the rest of me is stark raving clueless! the whole time i’m telling myself hey don’t you remember? last time? you were fine. it’ll be okay!

while my heart races and crazy tries to jump on my throat to make this stupid breathing stop!

sigh!

but the fact is, i do know it’ll be okay and that is the nice thing this time around. i don’t know why i hold my breath but a lot of people do it. it’s what i do when i’m concentrating. just a habit. no deep dark secret. it speaks of no childhood angst. my childhood was angst free. except for that i had two brothers but this isn’t their fault.

much as i like to blame them for things.

anyfreakingway, i’m breathing out and positively burbling but i’m getting there. in, OUT, in, OUT, in, OUT. you get the picture. once i do reacquire this essential habit i’ll be the picture of calm and wellness. in fact, there’ll probably be daisies actually flying out my butt, for reals this time. now won’t that be something to see? dang.