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September27
Was doing well with having faith and then someone said something and I got all panicky and last night I didn’t sleep very much.
I told myself, in the night when I was not sleeping, that duh, everyone knows this is the exact way to solve a problem. Even a problem like Maria. The nuns should have given up sleep and everything would have turned out fine.
Four years of being out on my own, fighting for contracts that sometimes wouldn’t come, pitching ideas to editors and producers who rarely bothered acknowledging receiving anything from me…all that aged me and taught me what uncertainty, real uncertainty where you stared at the ceiling at night and wondered if you’d still have it in the morning, felt like.
I still feel that way. I still eat less than I should thanks to the stomach-churning worry. Still lie awake at night staring at the ceiling. Still hope we have enough to cover the needs. Still hope someday we’ll be able to make it to the wants, too. Not a lot of wants, mind you, but a few choice ones wouldn’t hurt.
Is this the new normal? I don’t really know, but I’ve learned to stop listening to the voices of others and I’ve learned to not let them dictate how I feel. I listen to my own inner voice these days. And that helps me make it through to the next day.
Your posts showed up in my ‘dormant’ folder.
I suppose misery likes company and money anxiety creates plenty of company. Good luck – I hate the ongoing feeling in my gut that I could be out of funding in the near future with no job. And then I hope Starbucks will hire me so I can cover the bills…
Here’s to being able to buy wine in an effort to sleep better!