When we first moved in here in 2005 my kids were 4 and 2. Jacob was in preschool five afternoons a week but other than that, nothing. No swimming lessons, no hockey, no dance class, nothing, nada, zilch. It was easy to keep my brand new 2400 square foot house clean despite my mother-in-law’s concerns to the contrary. I dusted constantly, vacuumed daily. Never was there a thing out of place. We lived in a Metropolitan Home photo shoot ready house. I was damned proud of myself.

Little did I know that my lack of existence beyond the four exterior walls of our new housing structure were what kept me living this life of tidy. How could I expect that a blossoming social life for not only the kids but also me was about to get in the way of my happy little world? I was not expecting to suddenly be so busy that I would step over a rotting carrot in the front hall and think oh who cares???*

*there has never been nor will there ever be a rotting carrot in my front hall. In my fridge, mind you, well that’s plausible.

It’s not for lack of trying. I make every attempt to maintain a degree of perfection. At this point we’re talking about a ratio of 1:a billion in favor of more imperfection than perfection and while intellectually I go, that’s okay, you have a life and a life is good. Because it is. I like having friends and taking my kids to dance and hockey respectively. I like the social circle we’re a part of. I like that when I turn forty later this year there will be a lot of great people we can invite to my party.

But I hate not having a clean house.

We’re talking about getting someone in. Every two weeks or whatever. Which will absolutely send my siblings and their spouses off the deep end because hello, I don’t have a job. Why can’t I clean my own house? Princess that I am. Only I would prefer to clean my own house but I’d prefer to have a life and write a novel more. No one aims to have their eulogist brag that-

good old jane, she kept a damn fine house. thank you for coming.

I don’t want to be poor old jane. I want to live in technicolor! And 3D! Three dimensional technicolor! Whatever that means!

For now I think I’ll train the kids to do some of the jobs I really don’t like. I’ve already got Dan doing the dishwasher because I’d sooner poke my eyes out. Now if Jake will wash the floors and Madison can vacuum…that’s a step in the right direction.

And I’ll need someone to fan me with grape leaves while I’m eating bonbons and perusing the entertainment magazines. (raises wine glass for refill)

shut up. i hate you. i moved you to the other side and still you make your wobbling noises. you are annoying and serve no actual purpose in our lives. we have let you stay despite this fact. do you want us to throw you out? because we will. we will toss you without a care to the three dollars seventeen cents it cost us to bring you into our lives.

yes, we regret that purchase. i especially. for it is i you annoy most. dan doesn’t even know you’re there. he cares less about you than i do, if you can imagine.

so enough already, outta you. i am {this close} to chucking you against a window and as you are metal in nature this would only cause me more trouble and i don’t need more trouble. so shaddap. please.

sincerely,
home owner

Well since the weekend (Sunday only really because we didn’t have the wood Saturday and so there wasn’t really much happening that day other than waiting around, drinking coolers and going ‘I wonder when they’ll deliver the wood, I wonder’) we’ve had a total of 3 hours to work on the deck. With some portion of those three hours spent at Home Depot picking up supplies they forgot to include in our deck building kit. It’s so handy how they plug your deck design into the handy computer and pop out a handy list of supplies so you don’t have to think but then look, they forgot this and this and this and also, that. It’s excellent. Quite convenient and also, totally accurate. And handy!

The deck is not finished. Is what I am trying to say. But any day now. Oh any day. Next photo I post will be of me sitting on it at sunset enjoying a glass of wine. Or a reasonable facsimile.

And so, I present for your enjoyment, a rather ambitious undertaking:

LIVE BLOGGING THE BUILDING OF OUR BACK YARD DECK, with photos AS WE GO because hardy har har ya right photos as we go!

Installment the first, Hi! It’s Sunday morning and as Dan collects whatever nonsense he thinks we might need in the building of a backyard deck, I decided to start blogging the entire affair because while I will be actually physically assisting in said building while also looking after two children (aged 6 and almost 4) and doing laundry (I do laundry on weekends and laundry waits for no man to build his damned deck), I also feel I can blog it, with photos.

I understand that some of you will not be returing for installment two because you just fell off your chairs from the fits of laughter (because as if I am going to live blog anything let alone photos) and have fallen dead from having banged your head on something hard. Which is your own damned fault. Who puts hard things so near the computer area? It’s anarchy.

photos 1: before anything happened.

Can you imagine the sadness of it all? That we have actually been living that way? On gravel? As though we were, whaddayoucallit, gravel livers? It’s really just pathetic.

Then things were delivered and put places and lo, Photo 2:

And haha, see. Photos!

Installment two: Leger board section one has been attached to house! Took two hours! We will be done in 2027! Hazzah!

Photo 3 in this fascinating series: this was taken by me from inside the house and was originally upside down. I flipped it in Photoshop. My talents run into the thousands. You have no idea.

Am now making pizzas for lunch and reminding self to take load of laundry out of wash and put into dryer so that it does not get that nasty must smell that absolutely no one likes. Well, except for nasty musty smell loving freaks. Are you one? I may have a load of laundry for you to enjoy in an hour after I have forgotten my own reminder.

Installment 3! Have sprained ankle! Fell and twisted same while climbing down ladder where back stairs used to be! Am in pain! Am about to enjoy Smirnoff Ice! After I go pee and hobble back out to yard! No photos this installment!

Installment four i think: Am drunk and injured and what would this day be if only i’d been sober and not injured but am not so injured that am not correcting spelling arros only am not making spelling errors from injury so much as drink and lo but have not likely spelled one word right despite efforts to do so. Am in hurry. Eating dinner at neighbours and have to provide tomatoes. Fuck spelling anyway.

No photo this installment! But am taking camer with so you know, who knows.

Oh all of ledger board is on. And as Tommy would have it: W00T!