i apologize. i am in no mood. i have eighty thousand things to do in the next hour and won’t get so much as two accomplished. however, have started working on novel again (no one is sick? no one is home from school? someone will be soon, don’t you worry!) and am really enjoying it. when i sat down to work yesterday i fully expected to find that the 1000 words last written sucked ass. i had to read them, you see, to know where i was at. it had been so very long since i’d last written. it was a relief, you may imagine, to discover non-suckage.

today though, the happy high of all that has given way to the hysterical grouchies. when i accidentally type a letter that i do not need i damn near throw the computer at the wall in complete hatred and frustration. it’s that kind of day. later when you hear me screaming (and you will) just carry on with what you were doing. my fits don’t last.

i’ve started posting at the near.daily.visual again. check it out, ch’y'all.

After not writing for two and a half weeks I am finally back to it. First the kids were sick and then I was sick. I was way sicker. Because I am the mom and after taking care of everyone else I am vulnerable to the flu like a drunk is to a bottle of cheap liquor. It’s not good for me but I need it just so I can get a break.

What was I talking about? Does anyone know?

30552.

Is how many words am now at. Getting back to it was hard because I felt like UH MUH GUH this sucks. I was all, ick poo I am such a poser. I suck. Plus, I saw a picture of some person who called themself professional writer and I remembered that I don’t want to be a geek who looks like they can’t get laid and honestly couldn’t ptobably string three words together nevermind write anything interesting.

Why do some people allow press photos into print when they come off looking like a band asshole instead of a literary genius? By band asshole I do not mean Tommy Lee but more the short pants loser who carries the drum around on a rope around his neck at football games. That guy. Who wants to be that guy? Does that guy even want to be that guy?

The picture I saw though was of a woman writer who looked like she ate paste as a kid and had the self confidence of one such paste eating individual. I was all, uh muh guh I do not ever want to look so paste eating and lame. If that’s a writer I want to be a ditch digger. Anything where I would appear to have a personaily and or backbone.

Weakness is uninspiring and also, repulsive.

When I get my press photos done I am going to hold and axe and have my hair done nice. Tough but attractive. That’s what I’m aiming for.

Anyhoo!

I have started writing again. Yippee.

Writing this week, summarized, quick like.

Oh holy mother of gawd this week started off sticky. Last week I did not write much and whenever I have extended time off it hurts to get back. Even if it’s only a few days. Add to last week’s lameness the weekend and Monday’s holiday (Canadian Thanksgiving) I was not back at it until Tuesday.

Tuesday? Sucked. Oh my mercy it sucked hard. I wanted to vomit at how hard it sucked. I sucked just as bad as Tuesday sucked and I wondered what nerve I had daring to write. Painful.

I tried to talk to Dan about it but there was a communication barrier. I was having feelings and Dan runs from feelings like he is dipped in beef blood and someone let loose a pack of hungry dogs.

Then my friend Chandra talked to me and fixed everything. Not the first time. She rocks. She understands my flippy ways. She handles me. Chandra is my handler. It is not a position that pays well.

Wednesday was far far far better. When I sat down I had to look back to find a main character’s last name (I’d written it only once prior) and in doing so I happened upon a lot of the story that I’d not really forgotten but at the same time, I’d forgotten. And as a whole, it was alright. Know what I mean? I skimmed looking for the name and I didn’t want to vomit. Super encouraging.

Thursday, also good.

Friday, dammit, friends cornered me and I ended up going for lunch. I tried to come up with all manner of excuse but I missed last week and last week they had a baby shower for one of my really good friends. I know, not cool. But I had to write. You don’t know how hard it is to miss a day now that I have made the committment.

I could have just said no, I have to work. That’s what your perfectly logical brains are saying. The thing is, I haven’t really told anyone I’m writing. How many times have I said oh I am going to write a novel and then, oops, never did. Makes you feel like a fraudulent jackass and even though I knew I would some day no one else knew that. And it isn’t that I’m hiding it this time. It’s just something I want to finally do instead of talk about. Which feels good.

Dan has told a few people. No one has asked the dreaded how’s it going but when they do I’ll say fine. What else am I going to say? There’s just not much to say (all evidence here to the contrary). I hate all the questions people ask. What’s it about? (I don’t know, I haven’t written it yet) What’s it called (I don’t know, I haven’t written it yet) What’s the main character like? (Like herself. She’s like her just like you’re like you)

I just want to write the book now. I don’t need to blab about it all damned day. And I hate missing a day. Which is the best feeling. Even on the Tuesdays that come along, I still hate missing a day. Bad days aren’t all bad.

Once again I hope to get some done this weekend to make up for today. But we have a wedding and other crap going on this weekend so, you know, not likely.

current word count: 23 560

Novels run anywhere from 80 000 to 200 000 words (200 000 would be a very very epically long book). I see myself falling somewhere around 100 000 but then again I can’t really say. Why? Well, because I haven’t written it yet, of course.

The friday writing update will now formally take place Saturdays. Because I don’t think I’ve ever done it Friday and why fight nature.

The title of this week’s writing update should be: Excuses, Excuses.

I wrote but little. I had hoped to increase my daily word count from 1000 to 1500 which would have meant a weekly total of 7500. Actual total: 2700. Fell short. Excuses to follow.

On Tuesday I had to have a nap because I was up most of the previous night. Blame Dan’s snoring. Don’t worry, if it happens again he is getting a one way ticket to sleeping in the basement. That or he’ll wake up with a pillow over his face.

Wednesday, back to it. Or so I thought but HAHA, no. It turns out I was chosen as a parent supervisor for Jacob’s class fieldtrip and totally forgot.

Thrusday. I actually don’t remember what my – oh, wait, I do. Had to shop for Dan’s birthday presents. It’s his birfday today (Saturday). Blame Dan AGAIN. He’s out to get me!

Friday: 1500 words. Horrah!

Feeling a little like the writing sucks giant writing ass this week. I am dying to go back and rewrite every single word. Or to at least comfirm my suspicion that it’s all crap. But I won’t this time. Because I know it’s the wrong thing to do. I can confirm crappiness when all words are written. And just think of the satisfaction in rereading a whole LOT of crappiness!

I suck, I think.

Crisis of confidence. Comes from not having actually been writing all week. Also comes from fact that am realizing the novel sucks huge ass. Because I am not developing subcharacters well enough. And am using the word ‘then’ far too much which is a sign of moronocy. Which is so a word. Look it up, knowitall.

Next week I will do better. Er. Betterer. No field trips that I know of. Although the kdis are off school Monday for Canadian Thanksgiving. Let me get that bit done early:

Monday next: ZERO WORDS.

I am going to try to write some this weekend to make up for the week’s shortcomings. We’ll see. No pressure on weekends. Apparently, no pressure weekday either. HAZZAH!